Shipwrecked, Sourdough Bread and Prophecies

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I feel like puking just looking at this...and yet, I often fantasize about sailboats and living on the sea.

Fuckity fuck fuck...the rain sucks. This day will down down in (Sacramento) history as the day of the great flood of winter 2012. Fuck-en-aye-man, I think it's gonna rain 3/4 inch today. This is probably the worst day of my (recent) life. What to do-what to do...at least I have me a copy of Apocalyptic Prophecies: Doomsday Stories From The Dawn Of Time to keep this hunky atheist...warm and dry.

Geez, there is so much in this magazine I might just write about it all week. Today...just an overview.

Great Flood indian style.

My eyes bulged out and the workers at the #cutegirlrestaurant laughed at me because they knew they had done teh good (they presented me with the magazine upon my arrival. thanks ladies). The glossary is a skeptics wet dream: Ancient American Prophecies, Armageddon and the Apocalypse, Rouge Planets, Prophets and Their Prophecies, Peppers and Surviving. That's pretty good, right. Wait, there's more.

The Universal Flood, Death and Rebirth, Death of the Environment and Apocalyptic Cults. Oh Lawd, I think my brain just had an orgasm. It's a pretty stock collection of stuffs to debunk and there is nothing new under the sun, but this skeptic is happy-impressed that it is all in one magazine.

Here's a tid bit the I didn't know and it's about that guy that brought sourdough bread to the Americas (1)...Christopher Columbus.

I googled "Crissy." Yucky...

Little did I know that there were native types in (say it like a rasta) North Jamaica called the Arawak Indians and little did I know that Crissy Colombo and his (ready to mutiny) crew were stranded/shipwrecked on the same *paradise* island. Welllll, just like all relationships Crissy and the natives had their ups and downs. It is like when that musician bro dude that sleeps on your couch (2) for a couple of days, but it is really...a couple of months. Needless to say the super cool leader type of the brown peeps, the one that up until this point had shown the civilized *guests* a great deal of hospitality (meaning feeding them, letting them sexually harass the ladies and beat up the me), dude said in his native tongue, " Fuck that noize, bra."Now Crissy's Crew were given their eviction notice. Here's the cool part, if there is a cool part in this story (3).

"Yea, when everything is going good..."

(In classic Kriss nutshell fashion, of course...)

Crissy was fucked because he now had no food, HIS crew was ready for a regime change and the Arawak's were straight up ready to kick some foreign ass (4), the ship was all rotted out-n-shit, and...and...now fuckin' what (?).

Use your evolved human brain, that's what.

Crissy went back to his ship and read nautical books and such. After a while he invited the Arawak leaders to the ship to tell them: dudes, my god is pissed that you are not sharing food with us, after all it is standard maritime procedure to help shipwrecked sailors (and let them have run of your home and ladies.). He is gonna fuck you up...you just wait and see. Of course they laughed at him. Then...

...Wouldn't you know it, a frackin lunar eclipse happened. Crissy told the leaders that he would go back to the ship and pray to HIS god about this, knowing all along that the event was going to start at a certain time and end at a certain time, meanwhile, this freek-d out the native types, because they were...well, natives. Needless to say, they changed their minds and supported Chris and his looser crew long enuff (a couple of months) to be rescued.

Fin.

Yeah, sooooo...anyways. Pretty good magazine. Fo sho I will reference it again this super horrible and wet Sac Town week.

Go Niner's.

I Googled "shipwreaked" for this one. Kinda like Gilligans Island, right.

(1) Do I halfta explain everything...cause I'm not.

(2) The guy that eats what little food you have, he smokes your weed and drinks your beer, doesn't shower, hogs the TV, is there ALL THE TIME, did I say doesn't shower and yes...he boinked your most recent ex girlfriend (and that is why your practice so much 'cause you don't wanna live like this anymore).

(3) There is nothing cool about this, but it is sort of cleaver...right (?).

(4) As a modern day feminist I just halfta ask, "What took them so long." If foreign dudes came into my territory and *sexually harassed* my sisters and friends...fucken-aye-bro...where is that pallet of cases of cans of whop-ass that I have been saving for occasions just like this. Fuck-en-aye man.